I woke up feeling tired. I should be feeling well-rested because I was feeling terrible prior to my slumber. But I feel tired. “Spiritually drained” for lack of better term. I am totally overwhelmed by the great display of love and affection by my Savior. At first I felt so elated and beyond blissful, but later on I began to feel pressured, feeling that I could not ever return the favor equally. I know for myself that I am bound to fail Him in my own ways. For that I feel the futility of this commitment I made with Him because of the imminent breach I am to make.
I consider myself as a generally good person. But my own standards just won’t ever be at par with God’s. You know how that makes me feel? I feel small and unworthy. Temptations are everywhere. All of them alluring and promises you this pleasurable feeling of self-gratification. It’s rather exhausting to always have your actions and thoughts in constant check. Often I look like a boring person to other people’s eyes. Why do I always have to make a difference? Why do I always have to do good at my expense? Why do I have to put others’ interests first? Why do I always have to offer the other cheek? Why can’t I just forget about everything and do what my human instincts tell me? This always answers the questions: because Christ died for me on the cross. How can I ever surpass that? This is nothing compared to that! And yet this is already SO difficult.
Suddenly part of a random song lyrics played on my mind. “You give me strength to do Your will.” I need that. I need an abundant supply of that. But I also need enthusiasm and joy in the process. I don’t want myself to become legalistic. I don’t want myself to get tired. I want to reprezennnt and be a happy Christian. I want to have the passion to serve. They say ‘passion’ means loving what you do. I know You already have given me so much, even without my asking for it. But would it be too much if I ask for passion please?
This I ask through Jesus Christ, Your Son. Amen.